The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle...I likeee

When I first saw "The New Earth" via Oprah Prime time, I gasp for a second and a thought came to my mind, *this could be an answer to however I was feeling within*. Well, I've always had this turmoil and depression looming about and I kept remembering stuff or experiences that were heart wrenching...and forget the good experiences that happens. So, went over to 1BU one day...walked around and thought I'd head to MPH and thought that I should look for this book. When I couldn't locate it myself, I felt anxious and upset and the same feeling after the customer service staff told me that they don't have the one with ori cover shown in Oprah Prime time. Anyway, got the book...so excited about it. I couldn't read alot due to lazyness and etc...and had been EFT ing my troubles away. Then only recently, it felt as though I should truly read the book this time around. Decided to also log into Oprah's webcast on demand. I had never noticed Eckhart Tolle but when I saw him on the webcast, his face reminded me so much of a cousin brother of mine who left this world in 2006. So, I've been reading this book while listening to the discussion on webcast...simply profound and mind boggling yet mysterious. Talks about the self, ego, label, identity, pain body( I love this word), suffering and human being...just made me realise that I have had wrong perception and trapped in my mind. Probably because I had never consciously been present with things, people and with life. I have been thinking about the question - Who am I? and What is my life's purpose?...of late. I've been wanting to commit suicide as I felt I was a loser as things didn't turn out from what I had thought of wanted from my head! I have doubts if God is by my side since I'm not being with the present and there's this fear that resides within me. As I've been reading the New Earth, I have been practising being present in the moment. So far, I feel quite comfortable with just that. For someone who's mind and heart wanting to be somewhere and not "Now" but being with the present "Now" is huge. I had also took a short walk to the playground area opposite my house that has so many trees and sat at one of the benches. It would had been better if it was under a tree. Eckhart said that by labelling things, the true essence of it is gone and doesn't allow us to just feel the space, with things and be with the present moment as well. I tried not labelling trees and everything else while closing my eyes and be still. Oh wow! At that moment, I could feel so calm and just be with the present moment...calmness within. There were birds chirping, felt breeze and of course, the line dancing ladies and loud talking tennis players within that moment as well...how often do we just be still and be with present moment without our minds bringing us to things that need to be done later or tomorrow and who said what...yadda...yadda. I gotta turn my life around for the better at 360.hehehe. As it is, I like the awakening already as I think that was something that life has been trying to tell me to do or God was?and being in the mind with the works of the ego and pain bodies is really no fun for the spirit/consciousness/soul. You get sucked into a "black hole"!lol... I must say, I like things that open up my mind...my perceptions on things that vibrate with the world. I recognise some of the things that was mentioned in the book and there's so much to find out for my spiritual growth.....being awakened is just so......I am speechless...I'd rather Be still... *You are the dance and life is the dancer*....omg...confuzed! I thought I am the dancer...*Be still and know that I am God*....................Well, I have to re-read the 1st few chapters again and listen through the audio again to digest the gems that I may have missed.....lol

Pleasant evening turned sour

A good time gone bad was what happened over the weekend. It was a Saturday night that we went out to celebrate 2 occasions-my birthday and Mother’s day to a restaurant that had quite a good food review in the papers almost a year back. The evening didn’t start off well as we had to pay some bastards who claimed to be parking bay care takers. It’s such injustice that these lazy bastards get away as they could just simply ask for money from car owners to park at public car parks. We were afraid of our car being scratched so we paid them $5, and I will complain this to our local municipal. Anyway, we had an ok meal(a little too expensive for simple dishes for my opinion) at a fine dining restaurant in Desa Hartamas. After dinner, we headed out to Bakerzine for desserts and that’s when “a good time gone bad happened”. Mum and I got into an argument. The men in our family, just sat there without pacifying any of us or comforting us. And I thought it was kinda of a frivolous argument. As much as I like to recall how it started but it was what she said that ticked something in me. This has happened more than once and this time about me turning into an "old maid" and the last year or was it year before, I would be turning into a "spinster" if I don't change myself. Changing myself here would mean being gentler & soft spoken. I did that, spoke to her in a normal voice which I thought was gentle and soft enough but she asked me to speak louder as she couldn't hear?! Another person said she couldn't hear me speak (my ex's mum). Didn't you women wanted gentle and soft spoken, you got it and yet you complained that I'm too soft..wtf?? SO, being soft spoken only opened to more comments...hmm...Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, I don't know of any other mother or parent who would always critcise their daughter's attitude...maybe a few I know over the years as I recall now. What came out from my mother really ticked me off and my tone to her hurt her most apparently. It was how I talked to her and not so much of what I said. So, I'm made to 'always' feel everything was my fault eventhough communication skills at home was never conveyed clearly among everyone and the best part of it all, everyone blames me for causing her hurt AND I'm supposed to be quiet and let it go? She felt hurt as she ‘was wrongly’ blamed and yadda,yadda,yadda. Even as I tried to make her understand how I felt, she didn’t get it and didn't wanted to listen or understand where I was coming from. No matter what, I still couldn't make peace with my mother over her perception of me...and there's always comments which are hardly positive coming out from her. Of course, she doesn’t see it that way or it's also the way she speaks to me with the way that she does, that affects me. Time & time again, it’s always…”No, you have to or you should” for others. At times, I think there's only so much one can take when you put yourself out there. I think, if ever my mum stops commenting and realising a change is needed to heal her soul and do something that she loves, it would be much better for her own sake and all our sake as well. I mean I used to keep quiet when I'm being criticised & commented/misunderstood by family but I'm not a saintly person. I can't be slapped left and right without reacting. I am aware that humans have a habit to comment and speak our mind and I have learnt that it's not necessary most times. I’m headstrong and straight forward and fierce which I think, not many people would understand me. So, I should be someone I’m not? Perhaps I am too comfortable with my own self? I don't know. There are comments like “You must change, You must change or you’d scare men away or people away, Have you ever asked yourself questions about your approach?" and the it goes on and on. *Sure mum, that drove me nuts so I stopped asking those questions*. Staying in the family home away from my parents isn't helping as well...it was her way of love to live away from us. They are in their 60's and as much as I'd like to give them happiness, I have my own demons to kill. I used to complain alot about people and everything else about me, it took me awhile to understand that one has to look from within as you can't clap with one hand. So, perhaps it's my karma that she keeps thinking that I should change my approach to people, not misunderstand her and be married to be happier. I used to joke with my mum in a sarcasticaly humorous way just for kicks by saying things like "your husband wants to etc...or your son wants to"...and that never really tickled her as she thought it was quite rude? Well, tighten those muscles up mum! A lot of things adds up to how my psyche is the way it is and the last things I want for my family to feel is hurt in any way from whatever that I've done or said but somehow, I seem to spark something or other. Looks like I should keep quiet and be supportive and NOT be impacted by it and that would just spark again another comment that I don't share with her my thougths and feelings! I'm not God or a wall...hello......! Maybe it's because I'm a loser...someone who can't decide what she wants to do with her life since she's made many mistakes in her career path and still making them.... So I've decided to change myself or change my perception as it's better to be happy than right and wrong. So far, my self learnt therapy has been helpful to neutralise effects...partially relieved. I wonder if there are more women out there who gets along with their mother just fine as adults through to their 50's/80's if both are still alive. I only know of one so far and the old granny is always doing something instead of chatting with her daughter....lol.